How to argue mindfully

Yesterday Blue Mountain Lotus Society held its monthly retreat. The retreats are one-day events that always have a specific topic, and yesterday’s topic was “how to argue mindfully.” This topic is fascinating, for me, because of the work I do and because, like many others, I sometimes find myself in personal and professional situations where I’d prefer to be mindful and not defensive and angry.

Sensei Tony Stultz, the spiritual director of BMLS, went through why we argue, what we are doing when we argue, and how we can best achieve what we want in an argument. We’ve been conditioned to think that arguing is wrong. Some of us grew up in homes where there was constant bickering, and some of us grew up in homes where there was no arguing and problems were avoided.

But, according to Sensei, arguing is at the heart of what makes us human. And we argue for two reasons. One, it’s an expression of our ego self. When our ego self is expressing itself, we are defensive, angry, and hurt. When we argue from our ego self, we will always lose. If we’re weak, we lose. If we’re a bully, we’ll win but it won’t be satisfying.

The second reason we argue is as an expression of our true self. When we argue from our true self, we are seeking clarity. We take a step back and see the whole picture, like firefighters or EMTs who have a clear mind in the midst of an emergency. We ask ourselves, in the midst of the argument, “What’s really happening?” This can be cultivated through meditation.

Buddhism does not ask us to cut out our ego self, as if its a cancer. Instead, we embrace our ego self, not because its expression is healthy, but so that we have compassion toward ourselves. Ultimately, we then have compassion toward others because we can identify with them.

I draw lines between debate and argument. Debate is what I do at work. Argument is what happens in my personal life. And Sensei talked about- or at least I heard- different ways to approach debate versus argument. In a debate, there is a failsafe formula, according to Sensei- thesis + antithesis = synthesis What the heck does that mean? Basically, take your opponents’ view, maybe find something you can agree with, and then exaggerate it. Then finish with your point. This is the classic technique we hear of in political campaigns- define your opponent and yourself before he or she can.

In arguments, we can use what is the psychological equivalent of martial arts. Like in martial arts, we should not be afraid to give ground. This will disarm the person we’re arguing with. Then we can find a way to redirect the person, maybe through a compliment, and show them compassion.

This is not easy to do. At the retreat, numerous volunteers attempted the technique with another person coming at them aggressively, with mixed results. It takes practice.

No one reading this should assume that the way I’ve described it is exactly how Sensei taught it. This is my own expression of what I heard him saying during this fascinating retreat.

Tags: arguing, Buddhism, debate, mindfulness